So I’ve been gone for a minute. Well more like two minutes. I had a pretty big personal shakeup in my life, and I had to rebuild everything from the ground up. It was a very hard time but it was necessary for growth, growing is sometimes a very painful process. Painful but necessary. Painful but necessary.
I just keep reminding myself.
But now that things have settled down, I’m rebuilding the things I loved before, namely my podcast and YouTube series. I really enjoy being on the radio and making videos, and people actually like it too! Which is wild, because I kinda suck at it. But I want to get better! I wan’t to be a pro and quit my job and make a living from being a full-time weirdo. I want to give my audience a really great experience and make connections with people who are similar to me and enjoy my work. I just have to keep trying, and if something happens to sets me back, I get back up and try again.
It was a minor set back really, I just lost my job and housing.
But I’m healthy, breathing, and able to live again. I’m like a zombie, you can stab me, poison me, shoot me but I just keep coming back.
My plan is a soft-relaunch of all my projects
Nocturnal Emissions Podcast
This is my podcast/radio show you’ve probably heard of it. My problem has always been consistency and regularity, it’s a common problem with creatives I’m sure. But I’m doing a set schedule and trying to keep it public so that others can hold me accountable too. Nothing is more of a motivator than public shame, I say.
Nocturnal Emissions Show
The YouTube page… ahhhh… the problem isn’t lack of ideas or anything, it’s just making the damn thing. The shooting, the writing, the editing, the seeing my stupid face and hearing my stupid voice…. But I want to do more video work and Yotube is free, also it’s great practice and also I want to be rich so… More episodes on creepy things, unsolved crimes, and fabulous places, also some cooking and vlogs.
This was my zine project that I started years ago that never quite got off the ground. I still really love it and I realize that I can’t do it like everyone else, I’ve got to do what works for me. So that involves less writing and more images, more lists, compilations, more photographs. I don’t need for this to be perfect, I want it to be more like a zine, messy, punk rock and nerdy af.
I love cosplay, I love the whole process of making something out of nothing, wearing it for a day, talking to other people in costume and getting my picture taken. I didn’t stop because I wanted to, but because I had to. First it was a money issue. Then it was a time issue. Then it was a space issue. Then… I hated my body. I hated the way I looked in pictures and costumes didn’t fit me anymore. So I stopped. But I’m not doing that anymore, I have the time, the space, the money (-ish) and I’m going to get in shape. I’m going to get the body that I like, that I feel comfortable in and that enables me to live my dreams. I am the heaviest I’ve been in over 10 years and it’s from years of self-harm. I didn’t invest in my health because I felt like I didn’t deserve it, but I do. I do deserve it.
Last but not least, my blogging. I hate writing. Even though I would consider myself a writer, I hate it. I fucking hate it. I have sitting down and twisting myself into knots trying to squeeze ideas out of my head. It sucks. But I’m a writer, ideas, stories, thoughts and feelings come to me in words. It’s a form of disciple, two pieces a month, 1 script every four months, no exceptions. Even if the script is just an adaptation of a comic or a rewrite of an old idea, I have to do it. I have to write it out. Literary Exorcism.
This is the toughest one for me. Films are not fast or cheap or easy to make, they are marathons not sprints. I currently have 3 films that I want to make, they are all short films, but they are all weird and require a good chunk of funding. For the past few years I did not want to do crowdfunding, because it is grueling work. I was always taught not to beg. My grandmother wouldn’t even let us go trick-or-treating because she didn’t want the neighbors to know we wanted candy, she didn’t want us to ask for something she could just buy for us. That carried over with me. I never wanted to ask for anything, I would rather just take it and apologize later. But that’s not how this works. Filmmaking is 75% begging, it’s asking for money, locations, actors, someone to read your script, someone to help you edit, someone to give your crew rides. It’s all begging. Begging for art, but begging regardless. I have to ask for what I want, and so I’m warming up to crowdfunding. Also I feel like my network is so small, and the people in it have already been asked to donate to my causes before. But that shouldn’t stop me, if people want to help, they will help and if they don’t, they won’t. I’m sure people want me to just shut up and make the films by now.
So that’s the plan. If you’ve been a fan of my work in the past, please know that there is more coming and it’s going to be bigger and better than ever. I’m only getting better with time and more experience. I really hope that you stay with me on this journey. I’m so grateful for you.
This isn’t a comeback, I’ve been here all along.